Last night I succumbed to ‘widow’s decorum’ – well, not quite, but it certainly got its neatly-trimmed claws into me.
My friend put up a Facebook comment about the show Luther and I immediately typed a reply: ‘I’ve lusted after Idris Elba since Stringer Bell in The Wire – PHWOARRR!’ – but then I stopped. “I can’t send this!” I thought, “It will sound like I’m being disrespectful to my dead husband!”. My finger was paused over the send button for ages, going back and forth in my mind between ‘no one would really think that’ and ‘but what if they did?!’. In the end I added an extra bit in brackets, excusing my brazen comment with the reassurance to readers (who were probably non-existent as it was midnight by this point), that this would be ok with Ben as ‘celebrity lusting’ was accepted in our relationship – Idris Elba was my latest, his had been Jennifer Connelly for some years, though Joss Stone had also starred at some point.
While I really rather liked this incidental little reminiscence about us, I was annoyed that I’d felt the need to excuse myself. If Ben was here he wouldn’t have minded – he would have probably added some sparkly little witticism of his own about Ms Connelly – but because he’s died, I feel I have to act differently, with dignified respect at all times.
I am a terrible worrier about what people think. Ben was the king of not giving a crap. I really should be more like him on this one I think. Sod widow’s decorum.